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Common App · Prompt 1 · Draft 2344 / 650 words

The Radio That Spoke Two Languages

The first thing I ever fixed was my grandmother's radio. I have always been passionate about engineering. It hummed in Spanish every morning and crackled in English every night.

Somewhere between the static and the stations, I learned that fixing things is really about listening.

That summer I opened every appliance in our apartment, not to break them, but to understand what they were trying to say. The toaster clicked twice before it burned anything.

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1Show, don't tellCutYou don't need to tell me you love engineering. The radio already shows it.Cut this sentence. Your hook lands harder without it.

2This is the essayKeepSpanish mornings, English nights. I'd remember you from this line alone.Move it right after your first sentence.

3Too earlyMoveLovely idea, but you're telling me before you've shown me.Save it for the last paragraph, or let a scene say it.

1Show, don't tellCutYou don't need to tell me you love engineering. The radio already shows it.Cut this sentence. Your hook lands harder without it.

2This is the essayKeepSpanish mornings, English nights. I'd remember you from this line alone.Move it right after your first sentence.

3Too earlyMoveLovely idea, but you're telling me before you've shown me.Save it for the last paragraph, or let a scene say it.

Draft 2 · +11 since draft 1

83/100

Competitive

Writing: 8
Theme: 7
Detail: 9
Authenticity: 8
Structure: 7

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UC PIQ · Question 6Stanford · Why usCommon App · Prompt 1

I have always been passionate about engineering.

The first thing I ever fixed was my grandmother's radio.

It hummed in Spanish every morning

and crackled in English every night.

That summer I opened every appliance

in our apartment, not to break them.

Hard work can overcome any obstacle.

Every night at nine it finds English on its own.

The radio was a Panasonic from 1987,

older than my mother's green card.

She understood that I had brought it back.

Show, don't tell

Cut it. The radio says it.

This is the essay

I'd remember you from this.

Could be anyone's

Delete the hard-work line.

83/100Competitive

Writing8

Theme7

Detail9

Authenticity8

Structure7

88/100+16 since draft 1

It knows every cliché.

Cut or fix Keep

Throat-clearingIn today’s fast-paced world…
Tells, no showI have always been passionate about…
Generic moralHard work can overcome any obstacle.
Résumé listCaptain, president, founder of…
Stated lessonI realized it was never about the trophy.
Swap testDuke’s beautiful campus…
Wrong audience…bring my passion to your university.
Whose storyMy grandfather crossed an ocean…
Generic voice…the rich tapestry of my identity.
Dictionary openWebster’s defines courage as…
Throat-clearingIn today’s fast-paced world…
Tells, no showI have always been passionate about…
Generic moralHard work can overcome any obstacle.
Résumé listCaptain, president, founder of…
Stated lessonI realized it was never about the trophy.
Swap testDuke’s beautiful campus…
Wrong audience…bring my passion to your university.
Whose storyMy grandfather crossed an ocean…
Generic voice…the rich tapestry of my identity.
Dictionary openWebster’s defines courage as…

Specific hookThe first thing I ever fixed was my grandmother’s radio.
Real detailIt hummed in Spanish every morning…
ExpertiseA cracked solder joint on the tuning coil.
VoiceThe fridge groaned at 3 a.m. like it was tired of us.
Earned momentShe understood that I had brought it back.
Owns itThe mistake was mine, and it cost us the round.
Callback close…it finds the English one on its own.
Concrete changeNow I read every result twice.
Specific hookThe first thing I ever fixed was my grandmother’s radio.
Real detailIt hummed in Spanish every morning…
ExpertiseA cracked solder joint on the tuning coil.
VoiceThe fridge groaned at 3 a.m. like it was tired of us.
Earned momentShe understood that I had brought it back.
Owns itThe mistake was mine, and it cost us the round.
Callback close…it finds the English one on its own.
Concrete changeNow I read every result twice.

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